Can't Let Go
by maybe-i'm-crazy
Summary: A one-shot about Spike-Dawn. Kinda. It's also a little Spuffy. But not really. Also, a miniscule bit of Bangel. It takes place years after Chosen.


Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Buffy-sort.  
  
Summary:A one-shot about Spike-Dawn. Kinda. It's also a little Spuffy. But not really. Also, a miniscule bit of Bangel. It takes place years after Chosen. And there's a song that relates to it that's at the end of the story, by the INCREDIBLE Georgina Samfeld. BTW, to prevent confusion, all of the sections switch from Dawn to Spike and Dawn to Spike and...well, you get the picture.   
  
I bought an apartment in LA. I liked to be close to him and he decided Rome was too far travel. It happened on the first visit that I came back to Wolfram and Hart to visit the Fang Gang with Buffy. That was the day I fell in love with him. I fell in love with a vampire with a punk attitude, a cocky smile, and a bleached hair-do. Seperate, they seemed insignificant, even annoying, but together they made me melt six ways from Sunday...  
  
I loved her. I loved a slayer. A slayer who had been in love with my grandsire since the day she met him. It broke my heart that she couldn't love me. There was so much I wanted to be for her. She couldn't give me a chance even if she wanted to. Her heart only belonged to one person. There was nothing I wouldn't have given to change that. I always thought that maybe if I waited long enough. Maybe she could realize that she had enough room for me in her heart. I lost even the slightest chance on that day. It was on the fourth visit that Dawn came back to visit Angel...  
  
That was the first time I'd come alone. On the fourth visit. Giles, Xander, and Willow had offered to come, but I refused. I said that something told me that I should tell them alone. It broke me to a million pieces to watch Spike. He cried. It sometimes seemed like he wasn't built for crying. He was built for sarcastic comments and silences whenever he felt hard emotions. Not this time. Angel didn't cry. He said he already knew. He said something about feeling the hole in the world...   
  
I felt everything inside me break at that moment. I tried not to believe her. I tried to make her alive again in my head, tried to make it that she wasn't dead, but she was gone. I couldn't believe it had been four years since we were back in Sunnydale fighting the First. She wasn't killed heroically like she deserved. She was driving home from picking up a relic for that damn watcher of hers and was hit from the side by a drunk driver. Dawn didn't stay in town long...  
  
I just couldn't stay. I had to get home. I couldn't bear to watch the man I love mourn for the woman he adores. Adored. I have to talk about Buffy in past-tense now. That might have been harder than anything. Stupid as it is, anything else could be looked away from, but you have to form the words. You have to hear what you say in your head. And you can't take back the words once they're there.  
  
Dawn stayed away for three years after that...  
  
I had to mourn her by myself and try to rebuild a life I could take living without my sister...  
  
That was the hardest three years of my life. Buffy was dead and no one could provide me with solace...  
  
I came back to LA to see them and I didn't know what to say...  
  
The little niblet was all grown up...  
  
I tried to keep my cool being around him, but it wasn't easy...  
  
I know it's horrible. I see that she loves me and I love her too, in a way, besides she's as close as I can get to Buffy, now.  
  
I'm not stupid. I can see that he tries to see what's left of her in me. He's trying to find part of her to hold on to. But, that's a price I have to pay. I fell in love with a man who will always love someone else. It breaks my heart, but I love him too much to let go.  
  
I know she's gone, but I love her too much to let go.  
  
------End of story-----  
  
------Song------  
  
My Letter To The Lover Who Forget Me -OR- Can't Stay Away By: Georgina Samfeld  
  
I'm sorry baby  
  
You try and say to me  
  
There is no truth to it  
  
It's just a desperate plea  
  
You turn my head towards you  
  
I look into your eyes  
  
They're so empty dear  
  
Hollowed by so many tears cried  
  
You don't have to love me  
  
I know you don't  
  
Just hold me close to you   
  
pretend I'm what you want  
  
You'll break my heart again  
  
just like you always do  
  
But I have nowhere else to go  
  
So I'll lie to us both  
  
Cause I can't stay away  
  
You are trying  
  
So hard to see  
  
pieces of her  
  
inside of me  
  
Don't you know  
  
I'd love you if you let me  
  
But you can't forget  
  
The girl of your perfection  
  
You don't have to love me  
  
I know you don't  
  
Just hold me close to you   
  
pretend I'm what you want  
  
You'll break my heart again  
  
just like you always do  
  
But I have nowhere else to go  
  
So I'll lie to us both  
  
Cause I can't stay away  
  
  
  
I'm no fool  
  
I see there's nothing here  
  
But twisted dreams  
  
And fallen graces  
  
There are no second chances  
  
Quite like the first  
  
And this is not the dream  
  
But it's all we have  
  
You don't have to love me  
  
I know you don't  
  
Just hold me close to you   
  
pretend I'm what you want  
  
You'll break my heart again  
  
just like you always do  
  
But I have nowhere else to go  
  
So I'll lie to us both  
  
Cause I can't stay away 


End file.
